LADIES & GENTLEMEN WELCOME TO THE WEEKEND PREDICTOR OSCARS - Season 27 - Week 10

(TO THE TUNE OF PEARL & DEAN)

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Hello everyone and welcome to the inaugural Weekend Predictor League Oscars ceremony held this year at the Queens Head Needingworth Cambs. Present in the audience we have local dignitaries, Jed the grave digger, Joan who runs the local shop, the landlord Frazer and a few other local celebs.

Lets start the evening with a look at the highlights of the week just gone. Tuesday: Man Utd get knocked out of the Champions league by a 55th minute red card from the ref! Fergie not happy. Wednesday: Celtic get an aggregate spanking by the old lady of football! Ooh I say.

Thursday: Spurs put 3 past Inter Milan and it was really men against boys! I have to say. Friday: Bangor City beat Airbus 2-0!!!!!??????anyone??????

oh yeah and suddenly overnight Rooney became shite and Man Utd want rid.

£25 Mil???????And then what happened this weekend!!

Headlines: Celtic lose, Rangers lose, Wigan win, Sheff Weds win sod me even QPR won

and Spurs threw it away.

It was a momentous week for the predictor, the league tables were taken and tossed quicker than Wayne Rooney on a saga holiday. It changed more positions than Giggs would in a a weekend Imogen Thomas's house.

So please sit back and join us as we look at the winners and losers of season 27 so on with the awards. To present our first award the Overall league winner award:

I'd like to introduce Betty who does the cleaning in the school. (clap clap she got that too!!) over to you Betty '

thank you it was a hard fought competition this year but with an impressive run of winners including a 4.50 Sheff weds win in the last week the Oscar goes to RICKY JONES with a total of £12.98.'

This is the second highest score ever. Well done Ricky. In the 2nd place was the draw master Mervyn Davies and third was Joe McGinley

We move on to the award for the top league The Pele League Oscar. To present this award a man who has never owned a budgie, but has seen a cock-a-too!! the village Doctor Dr Crippin.

'Thank you its great to be here today and present this fantastic award there was a lot of tough competition this season and in the last week some revelations in the picks. Trevor Gibbons must have thought he had it wrapped up with a stupendous 7.00 pick of Wigan. Or even Ross Jones who picked out Sheff Weds away 4.50. But no they filled the lower places. The Oscar goes to a man who sat 6th after week 9. a man who had the piss took out of him a bit for his safe pick of man utd in week 9(maybe that spurred him on who knows) but no piss can be taken this week even though I am a doctor and could do it legally, with a marvelous pick of Ross County to beat Celtic @ 6.50 and winning by 3p it gives me great pleasure to give the oscar to NIGEL HOWLETT.

Nigel Howlett there having spent most of the season in the lower reaches just showing everyone that dreamers can win. If you go for it sometimes it will come off.

We move on to the Oscar for the Maradona league title. To present this award we dug deep , well that what he does for a living!!(ha ha ha) ladies & gents I give you Jed the Grave digger.

'aah thank you for asking me to give thees award. In Maradona league thees week were just three winners the most signif...signifi....the best were Andy Ewart who won with Gillingham at home @0.57 that mean he take the second automatic promotion place away from Sohail Virdi. Bob Paton he make a win but a scottish draw weren't enough to save him from't drop. Unlucky. But the winner of the Oscar for this league lost thees week, which just goes to show Nick Berry he were right when he say every loser win.

Its you PAUL SHAKESPEARE. He win with £2.70.

Thank you Jed. So we move on to the award for the Kenny Dalglish league we have special permission from Frazer the landlord for this one as presenting the award for this league is our under 11's football & cricket captain Matty Galpin.

'er er hi (tap tap) is this on (eeeeeeeeeeeee (feedback)) sorry. Um the Dalgliss award had juss too winns this week Paul Brickell had the Wigan win @7.00 which lifted him to third. And Didier Segovia who had Newcastle @0.91 theyre 4th.

The too top people boof lost but in 2nd stays Tony Griffiths who goes up and the Oscor for this leegue goes to MERVYN DAVIES the draw specialist.

Ok thanks Matty thanks for that you can go back to your homework now maybe you should work on your spelling, and we move onto the Oscar for the Alan Shearer league. To present this award we were due to have Violet Johnson the woman institute leader but unfortunately her bunions are giving her hell so in her place we have her sisters friends wife's brother Jim he has come all the way from the other side of the A14 in Hilton your appreciation please for Jim Bradley. (BOO BOO) Now Now no booing Jed that was a long time ago...and anyway how did you expect to win by entering plastic fruit...he had to disqualify you. Sorry folks here Jim.

Thank you to you all for that welcome and armholes to you jed! Sit down Jed!! please Jim just keep it till later will you what you do in your own time is upto you. Jed I said leave it please gentlemen behave like adults. Ok

Sorry about that but I won't apologise to Jed ( whisper - he's a prick ) so the Shearer league three wins here this last week Ian booth guaranteed safety with PNR at home @0.91. the top two both had good picks. In 2nd place with the Wigan pick @7.00 was Tom Kerr, waynes brother, we've done that one Jim

oh sorry and the winner we've already seen today but he won his league as well as the overall league with a great pick of Sheff weds @4.50 THE OSCAR FOR THE ALAN SHEARER LEAGUE GOES TO RICKY JONES.

Well done Ricky a popular winner. Sorry about the shenanigans earlier but Hilton/ Needingworth Rivalry goes back a long way right back to the 1972 county fruit fair and the giant guava incident!

So moving along because Frazer wants to go bottle up ready for the mid day rush we come to the Gary Lineker league award. To present this award is a chap who is fairly new to the village along with his lovely wife Tikkawako ,who he met through a contact in Thailand, absolutely turned around the fortunes of the local table tennis team when she joined...... the most unusual serve in the district it has been said. Anyway its our local landlord mein host Frazer Gobsworthy.

'hi everyone i'll keep this brief because Doreen left quite a mess in the cellar last night after trying to connect that dodgy barrel of fosters, I told her to leave that one till the brewery man came out again. Anyway. The Lineker league had only two winners they were Mono Guerillo with Beckham's new lot at home @0.18 he goes up but the winner had the pick of the week with Annan Athletic beating Rangers @ a whopping 14.00 and receiving the Oscar is JOE MCGINLEY.

Right that's it i've got to get a mop.

Ok thank you Frazer well done Joe but you've got to feel for Pete Cornwell after his big win earlier in the season but he threw it away late on with some rubbish picks!!

Well just three more awards to go ladies and gents the next being the Paul Gascoigne league award and to present it we have our very own village floozy, just come out of rehab herself and anybodies for a port and lemon it's Joanne McGeady - Tootsie to her friends (because she looks just like Dustin Hoffman,,big neck adam's apple and everything)

'Hello everyone its good to be vertical for a short while. Well what a let down. Jed and I were alone in the field this morning he was 'downstairs licking up a storm' and had been there a while when he said he felt something lick his bum he said he wished he had his glasses on so he could see what it was I said so do I wish you had em on cos you've been eating grass for the last 20 minutes. Anyways there were no winners here this week at all. So it stays as was last week with David Rosser in 2nd place. And the Oscar for the Gazza League goes to WART.

OOH I'VE GOT SOME OF THEM..... YOU SHOW ME YOURS & I'LL SHOW YOU MINE..... COME HERE GIVE US A KISS.......STOP STRUGGLING......COME ON.....

That's enough Tootsie leave him alone.....and put them away..right now ...its not that kind of show. Oh I am so sorry ok lets get back on track the last league award is for the Jason 'Pineapple' Lee league and to present this award we have the bowls club president Mr Peter Hutchinson.

'Hello all, a lovely day ok I would like to take this opportunity to win a wager that my friend put on with me about how many bowls terms I could squeeze into this short speech. So lets get the mat down and cast the jack! Ok I was jack high as a kite when they said can you fire down to the pub and backhand this award to the personclosest to the jack. The Jason Lee league had no winners this week so whoever was holding shot last week stays closest to the jack this week. It was a measure of how difficult it is to draw out a winner no-one had a shot bowl this week. So in 2nd place it was Steve Tester but the Oscar for this league goes to MARTIN YOUNG.

Ok well thank you Peter let's hope you won your bet, remember mines a large one ….well that's what Tootsie said anyway!! We have seen some great winners here today and we are not quite done yet. We have one last Oscar..... a special recognition award. This is given to someone who has shown outstanding performance throughout the season.

To present this award we have someone very special I'm sure we all remember the Olympics from 2012 in London, an absolute treat for every sports fan in the country. Well our last guest presenter was seen by millions on TV performing at the Olympics. Starring in three team GB gold medal ceremonies.... our very own Cynthia Reid.... yes ladies and gentlemen she was at those three gold medal ceremonies and didn't she hand out those flowers flawlessly. Welcome Cynthia....

'Thank you its great to be here, when I was at the Olympics I was lucky enough to be in the company of the great athlete Usain Bolt it thrilled me just to be in his presence, when he took the time to speak to me personally... he said to me 'hey you're the flower girl aren't you?' And I said yes...........it may not seem a lot to you but I was happy that my contribution to the Olympics had not gone unnoticed. With that in mind I am happy to present this award for someone who has also had an eye catching performance this season. The nominees are:

Pete Cornwall – his Luton pick in week four @10.00

Nigel Howlett - for only racking up just 2 losses in the season

Joe McGinley – for his Annan Athletic pick in week 10 @14.00 the 2nd highest pick ever.

Mervyn Davies – for finishing 2nd in overall with his draw strategy

Ricky Jones – for winning the overall league and finishing with over £12

And the winner is:......................drumroll please …............................................

JOE MCGINLEY

Well done to Joe. Thank you all, look out for me at the Cheltenham Festival where I am appearing....handing flowers to the winning owner before the photos..thank you.

Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen that concludes the Weekend Predictor Oscars for this their first year. From all the gardeners of the village giant turnip growing society and all the regulars here at the pub its a big Needingworth goodbye til' the next time.

Keep it moist....... no not you Tootsie!!!

Alan.

 

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